on the night of sept 26

It was the 23rd birthday last Tuesday. and again, they threw a birthday party. A 'surprise' party. I saw it coming. But i was still surprised as the people that came, was a surprise faces.
Had dinner with my uncle first at Cilantro. an alright one. but the set, portion was too little for me. lol.
it was @65 bar. I came out from the car, saw Ethan. Said hi, and asked "why u wearing blazer?". "Happy Birthday ... " he replied. I just smiled. he opened the door. heard people just stopped chats. and whispering and then the most- so- played birthday song was so lourly played. i try to look who's in my party, damn there were a lot. i went rounds counter clock wise. from my schoolmate, college mates, club friends, collegues, chat , brothers, close, not too close friends were there. cant stop smiling, didnt plan too start crying. haahaa... <-- ewww...
at first i thought they re gonna do like an after party style. well, that came true only before they request me to sing a song. @65 is a karaoke/bar kinda style. so, i sang Belaian Jiwa. pergh... it was just too cool ! i mean, y'know. me + singing = elton john + celine dion.
I was down the whole 2 days before my birthday. sad. depressed. after the surprise, it was great to know i still have what i have now. relationship between persons. energy that is created and being long lived and loved on friendship. all the cards, presents i've received, means so much to me. some were funny, some were kinda cute :p, some were what i've been looking for, and definitely one, nearly made me tear. A journal and a pen, with a note in the card, "don't stop writing..."...whoooishh... giler deep ...

drushed- ed !!!

25 Sept 2005
You are beginning to wonder whether you ought to kick up more of a fuss. Are you being too relaxed? Are you allowing someone to get away with something unacceptable? Should you force a showdown or lodge a vociferous protest? The idea is tempting. And the need is great. Some gesture clearly has to be made. So make it. Communicate your complaint. And then watch what happens next as a genie finally comes right out of its bottle and starts granting wishes left right and centre.

all he wants is to talk to u
all he is getting is a mock by u
all he will do
silence.

20 09 2006

It has been a very tiring day...

Woke up 7am, breakfast with my mum, she was eating breakfast mainly. i only had like a piece of bread and orange juice. stomach ache !!! hehe. left to office at 9am, i was bloody shock to come to a traffic jam right after batu 3 toll. seriously, like 7 metres away from toll booth. dayum... stuck there for 45mins, before i head to NKVE through Subang exit. Nasib baik no traffic dah.
Had lots of problems with my webmaster for the club website. ding dong - ing for whole day, settled everything by 7pm. Then, had meeting with the team. and we actually just finish 20mins ago. its 10pm now ... hungry like madness.

ard 5 just now was chatting with a very dear friend to me. whoa... i was like crapping shit loads of words to him. but its all good. he's a good listener. yes.. i ve not yet recover from my emo holes. goddamnit !!!

Felt so tense after chatting ... as if i dont feel stress. yes, not as much, but thinking u are not with me, but ... sigh...

I feel like eating so much chicken now.

aiyai yai...

I would want to tell the ppl around me that sometimes it sucks for i cant tell what i feel.
Sometimes it felt like crap that i have to pretend that " yeah, i'm fine with u being his buddies". damn. wish i can just tell u how i really feel.

In the office now, freezing to death. a fried just ping me in MSN and sent me their Singapore trip. sigh... boleh pulak send me the pics with the person i am trying not to talk too anymore. i dont think my friend knew the real juice of our beef. but hey, be sensitive la cibai...

marah plak nih.
sigh...

later, plan to go dinner with Kurt. mane pulak nak bawak malam nih.

you'll never be in my shoe.

you.
The only person I have love for the whole of my heart.
Has hurt me so much.

I would gaze the star if i can
I would hold my breath to held u back
I would bleed to silence so u can hear

The love that was too strong
Can be decived by the words of u have not spoken
Never did I try to hurt or meant to hurt
Ask yrself if u would be in my shoe

Saying the words of love means nothing sometimes
when it comes from u its seems so scurvy
I hate to say it but u made me do it
Leaving me here alone, at times when i need so much from a bit

Never mind the lies, I can forget
I have been draining it out, have u ever see it ?
WHen to think i am set aside to nights of silence
There is somebody else in my side of bed

This is no poem nor ryhmes to tell
just me being honest at times of distress
I hate to be here to tell the tale
I love u too much, i dont mind being killed.

This is what I want to do at this moment.

Thursday.
1813 hrs.

- cut myself so I can feel
- bleed the demons out
- slam my laptop
- scold that person. with cursives vulgarity angry words
- throw my phone off
- go home
- get wasted.

too-day.

ish.
things aint going as i want it to be.
leceh nyer...

was trying to post some pictures. lazy to choose pictures. ai... so many pictures, i got confused with the folders and files. haha.
later at night i ll arrange my folders. damn.

forwarded message<+6012###8### >: "love u"

u can lie as much.

was thinking of stop writing. but the fact is, i cant stop. the weirdest thing sometimes, it turns out sadistically or even sound suicidal. ugh... me not like that! haha. well, maybe sometimes.
a friend told me once to look inside, where does these things comes from ?
to tell u the truth, it comes from one medium. the one medium that had turned my life into another parallel world. someone that i wish to be, and yet cant be.

been back to my old self. back when i just finish school. confused and playing with 'issues' that is just not there. trying to cope with everything all at one time.
*susah sial

Today, is the day i deleted another blog. where i have been posting my frustration, my hearts, my love, and diplay item of my scenic life. its just so hard there. ppl try to act be nice to u. its fine yeah . . . but the 'TRY' part... that sucks. I know some are sincere, but i guess, the 'some other' makes it heart aching.

Today also, i have find out one good reason to behave in a manner of 'me-right-now'. i love and be loved. i love and be loved again. 2 loves. and i get one back with deepest sincerity. as another just trying to fades away. wish i have the answer of such behaviour. mentally exhausted, i still want to write abt it. darn.

I'm trying to get a grip. but i wish,i wont have to that. its getting tiring all of a sudden. usually, i can just go KLCC, or megamall, and start buying stuff. shop and eat till i feel alright. and if lucky, cried it out. yeah. i cry. boohoo me.
but today when i found out another thing (again), i was stumped. thats the reason of deleting the other blog. i was in total awe. shocked cant replace the word. blatantly thinking of what i have done to receive such things. yeah. stupid phrase. "what have i done?!!!" <--fucked up dumb-ed line. nah... its what i have not do yet. maybe not enough.

sigh.

i have touched both with my heart. now. i feel like ripping it.

*nak mencarut gile rasa nih!

25 august 2006

Its been awhile since i last update here. tried a new blog space. didnt like it. its connected to yr friends directly, and everyone have the tendency to comment on what ever i wrote, what ever that is yr feel like. or even, will ask u back, "wtf does that mean.?". lets just put it in this one simple way... if u dont understand, buzz off ! easy aint it ?!

stopped writing. maybe permanently, maybe just for this fucked up period that i am in agony of now. and it is sooo freaking fucked up that i cant cross it over here.

bodoni...

:*(

sedey sial.